*Please note: this post is what I presented as a speaker at our Annual Baby Loss Memorial Service held in my local community on Sunday, May 29th, 2011. My son, had he lived, would now be 16 years old.
I struggled at the beginning of writing my words to you today. What could I say that would make you feel better and take away your pain? What brilliant phrase would help you transform from where you are to where you could be or want to be? I truly wanted to stand before you and say even one thing that would bring clarity and peace to your journey. But there are no magical words that would do this, so all I can offer is words that come from the heart and my own experience of being a bereaved momma to a beautiful baby boy, who would have been 15 years old this year, if he had taken a breath and opened his eyes.
A letter to my son, 15 years in.
Dear Bretton~Elijah
Lucas,
Fifteen years in,
you are still transforming our lives.
At 1 pound 2 oz
& 10 inches long, you could have never realized the enormous impact you had
on our lives. You rushed into our arms & our hearts, 2 hours & 20
minutes after the first contraction, too early & without warning.
You were to be our
fifth child, third son. Today you remain our fifth child, in a family of six
children, three sons, three daughters. We know you would have had the same
unruly, curly locks that your siblings all possess and the same tiny button
nose that graces each of their faces. We wonder if your dimples would have been
present on the cheeks of your face or hidden away above the cheeks on your
bottom. We ponder the question often:
would your eyes have been blue or brown, a 50/50 chance in our house.
Your older siblings
had all arrived 3 days past their due dates. Fashionably late but naturally
born. You came early & while your birth was also natural, we would have
given anything for an intervention-filled birth, if it meant your journey could
have had had a different outcome. You were to be born at home but with the
first contraction, we knew something wasn’t quite right and we made the choice
to head into the city to the big hospital, with the thought and belief that
modern medicine would find a way to stop labor and give you a fighting chance.
Instead, you arrived too quickly and nothing could be done. The care we
received was compassionate and hands on. Everyone cried with us and despite the
incredibly sad ending, the birthing room was filled with love. Your siblings
were in awe of you. Your daddy, so gentle.
Bretton, you have
transformed our lives by the lessons you have taught us. Before you were born,
we were living an intentional, well thought out life that included taking the
time to cherish the moments. But when you arrived, those moments had more
meaning and we truly embrace all that the universe has offered to share with
us. We know you would have found your own creative outlet in a family that
includes a filmmaker, two paintera, three photographers, four musicians, six writers
and six actors. Your birth was the catalyst that created the freedom for the
creative energy that flows through our house on a daily basis. We know that
without this experience, we would have probably been more subdued about our
artistic endeavours but you taught us that we have only one chance at this life
and making the best of the opportunities we are given has fulfilled our dreams
at a much younger age and with much more meaning than we could have ever dreamed.
Our journey has
been long and at times, painful beyond belief. We wondered if we would survive
another day, another moment and would this experience ever end. Exploration of
our grief, which each of us has done together and on our own, brought light to
the dark and healing to our hearts. But it did not mean that we have ever
forgotten you, Bretton.
Healing does not
mean forgetting.
As a couple, we
were aware early on that some relationships do not survive the pain of baby
loss. Keeping you alive in our hearts has helped us remain focused on who we
are as individuals, who we are as partners and who we are as parents.
As parents, we are
reminded on a daily basis that you are not present in a physical sense,
Bretton, even though we feel you all around us. We parent you from afar and
love you just as much as your siblings who walk with us. Like all parents in
the community, we are often asked how many children we have. Proudly, without
hesitation, we answer six. For a time, I did struggle with how to answer this
innocent, sometimes daily question. My hesitation was centred around the idea
that if I shared our story, I would make the person who asked uncomfortable or
even sad. What I discovered many times over was that the individual asking
sometimes had their own story to share and a healing conversation would open
the door. Other times, the shock I expected did not happen but instead a moment
of compassion and often a “please tell me about your babies”.
My husband created
the phrase “four earthly children and two heavenly babies” as a gentle way to
explain our family structure and I find myself often borrowing his heartfelt
response.
So where are we now,
15 years in?
We don’t take anything for granted. Every breath is
cherished, every milestone & every moment celebrated. Even the things that
don’t go well are honoured. We had hoped to live a life that would not hold
regret but until you came along, we couldn’t quite envision what that looked
like. You taught us that there are reasons for things to happen, that bad
things do happen to good people and sometimes we are chosen for the task. But
regrets are absent. There is no time for regrets, only time to celebrate what you
have brought to our lives. A peacefulness, a calm and an understanding that
what is meant to be, is meant to be. That doesn’t mean
it’s never been messy or hurtful. We have lost friendships, had strained family
moments and wondered at times what path we were supposed to take. Our
spirituality was splintered and today continues to be a place of exploration
that we now believe will continually evolve as we go.
Just when we
thought we had settled in to the new life that was created after your birth and
made peace with our experience by moving forward to help others, just when we
thought it was safe to venture into a new pregnancy and continue with the
creation of our family, just when we were hopeful and healthy again, the death
of our sixth child, your tiny baby sister, Ciara-Rose Kennedi, shook our world upside down again. But
this time, we knew who had our backs and what we needed to do to realign our
life once again. It wasn’t harder the second time around but it was any easier
either. Grief is painful and harsh, messy and exhausting but in the end, worth
the strife, for the moments we had to meet you and your baby sister.
Two stillbirths
back to back is a hard story to tell. It pains me at meetings to have to say
that we are the parents of two babies born too early. We are thankful that we
have wise people among us and one of the wisest during this second birthing
experience was our midwife, who answered our daughter’s Chynna’s innocent
question about why this happened to us a second time. She held Chynna in her
arms and said “Bretton is not alone now; he has his baby sister to watch over
and keep him company”. We are often comforted by the image in our head of our
two small babies, together forever.
Bretton, thank you
for the path you placed us on that warm spring evening. It has opened a whole
new world for us and our journey continues to unfold. We miss you daily, we speak of you constantly, we remember
every little thing about you and our love continues to grow.
Love, mom, 15 years
in.
The person I was is
different from the person I am today. But who I am today is a direct result of
Bretton’s and Ciara’s brief presence in my life. Last night, I was honoured to
be present at the Inagural Mayor’s Celebration for the Arts in Sherwood Park.
As both a board member of the Arts Council of Strathcona County and an artist, the
event was an opportunity to showcase artists and bring awareness about art and
culture within our community. One of the artists had not started life as an
artist but has become one because of a horrible, nearly fatal workplace
accident that changed his life. Who he was before his accident and who he is
now is vastly different. And like many of us have experienced in our baby loss
journey’s, his terrible loss opened a door that created a new path in his life.
He stated that he could not imagine at the time how his life would ever be
fulfilling again when he had to give up his job in order to heal his body. Not able to
return to the same work, his doctor suggested he find a way to use his hands.
Art, in particular, sculpture and stone work ended up being the door that
opened and today he is a renowned and popular artist. But he still shakes his head at the thought
that if he had not experienced the debilitating accident, he would not have
become who he is now.
My own journey has
a similar end. If you had told me 15 years ago that I would be fully engaged in
the bereavement field as a career, I would have laughed or maybe even punched
you in the face. It was not an area I had any interest in and like most
community members, not an area I had much experience in and certainly nothing
to offer. But 15 years in, Bretton’s moment in my life changed everything and I
am grateful on a daily basis for the opportunity to be invited into the lives
of those who grieving, whether it is in my position as the director of a baby
loss program, or utilizing the arts to help grieving children and teens cope
with the loss of someone they love, or counselling community members and
professionals on the huge impact of loss on families. It is a joy and an honor
to be immersed so intensely in this work.
I personally would
never wish the experience of baby loss on another human being but I can now
say, 15 years in, that we have embraced this journey with a balance between
time for grieving and time for living. Today, our new normal means that Bretton
and Ciara are part of our conversations as easily as talking about all the
other children are. We still have birthday celebrations for them each year and
their little stockings hang on our mantel at Christmas. We have been working on
a Legacy project so that when we leave this Earth one day, Bretton and Ciara
will have left a mark not just on our family’s hearts but on the community as
well.
My hope for you
today as you journey through this painful experience is that you will be open
to the gifts that will come along the way. A new friendship, a cherished
moment, a renewed relationship or a door that opens to a new path. I hope you
will share your baby’s story with others in time and offer a compassionate,
caring heart to another grieving parent, who will be grateful for your
generosity as they begin their own walk through baby loss. Turning helplessness
into healing and then into helping.
These
are the words I can offer to you today, 15 years in.
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